Terry pleads caution over new England image

"England captain John Terry has denied reports that England stars had been ordered to smoke Woodbines in order to complement their new retro image.

“It’s not true,” said Terry, interviewed in the dressing room after England’s victory over Slovakia, his forehead clearly showing the imprint of the laces on new retro matchball that Terry had headed just over the crossbar tape in the dying minutes."

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Anti News - The Sulk Issue

"Now, we all like to imagine that we can do better than our present lot.

Anti News really believes we should be writing daily football news for The Times and Jacqui Smith's husband really believes that he, not moustachioed photocopier repairmen in pornos, should be fucking lonely, nineteen-year-old housewives two at a time."

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King in fraud claim following England squad withdrawal

"Ledley King’s sudden withdrawal from the England camp has reopened debate about the health of the defender.

However, Fabio Capello and Harry Redknapp are not the only interested parties in the 28-year-old’s fitness; the Department for Work & Pensions have also taken an interest."

More from Over The Bar here

Anti News - The Gazillionaire Issue

"Meanwhile, following defeat to a rejuvenated Spurs, Chelsea's title challenge looks deader than Jad... hang on, is it too soon for that sort of thing?"

More Anti News here

Hollywood beckons for Premiership stars

"In an effort to cut costs, Hollywood studios are hoping to entice aging Premiership players across the Atlantic and turn them into movie stars. It’s hoped that the move will provide 30-something footballers with an additional revenue and increase film profits as intrigued football fans flock to cinemas to see their idols on the big screen."

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Disappointment at timing of Benitez deal

“The deal was signed exactly seven thousand two hundred and seventy-eight days after Hillsborough,” Liverpool Supporters’ Group spokesperson Bud Hope told Over The Bar, “We’re pleased that Rafa is staying in charge, but to make this announcement on this day is grossly insensitive.”

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Alves suffers from 'rare alopecia'

"Having spent an intense period at The Riverside researching Massimo Maccarone’s dome, Dr Rocque Ocque has supplied Over The Bar with an exclusive research paper that proves that Afonso Alves is suffering from a rare type of alopecia which is impairing his ability to score goals. The full Latin name of the affliction is Kakkus Hairus Nono Celebratae."

More from OverTheBar here

Mario responsible for Spurs surge

"Harry Redknapp has used his contacts at the Japanese videogame giant to revitalise Tottenham’s flagging season, making a two-hour spell on the Wii an obligatory part of all his players’ training sessions."

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Anti News - The Trent Reznor Issue

"Peter Crouch scored a slow-motion first-half volley, which was equalised in the ninety-third minute via a chance that even one-time stolen car handler and occasional purveyor of the Soho Revue Bar, Marlon King couldn't miss."

More here

Notion #38

The new issue of Notion is in the shops. I dunno, Borders and a few other stores, apparently.

Anyway, once again I wrote a piece in the videogame section. It's about Mega Man and it's kinda funny.

Anti News - The Billy Crudup's Giant Blue Penis Issue

Containing iffy gags about Gary O'Neil, Gareth Southgate and Brad Jones.

"I scored at Everton and played well at Aston Villa," O'Neil told the Evening Gazette, two decent performances and a goal proving an admirably honest crystallisation of his season's achievements to date.

More here

Anti News - The Castle Issue

After a three-year absence, I've decided to start writing the Anti News column at ComeOnBoro.com again.

You can read my latest column - The Castle Issue - here