Wednesday, 12 August 2009

T-shirt competition. Vote for Felipe.

My buddy, the incredibly talented Felipe Urquijo, has entered a t-shirt competition on SwishSwosh and desperately needs the cash to pay for a masters.

Help a brother out by voting for his awesome design.


You can check out the rest of Felipe's work here

Tuesday, 11 August 2009 season predictions

As usual, the writers got together to discuss their predictions for the forthcoming Championship season. And, because we miss it, we mentioned the Premiership too.

Part one

Part two

Part three

Thursday, 16 July 2009

Sir Alex slams price of everything

"Lyon knew we had a lot of money from the transfer of Cristiano, so they didn't play ball" raged Ferguson. "Everyone is doing it. What is wrong in the world when just because you are super duper rich, you have to pay triple for everything?"

More from Over The Bar

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

Manchester City line up new Boss

"Manchester City manager Mark Hughes has returned from his summer holiday to discover that the Eastlands club have redoubled their efforts to secure a new boss.

With Samuel Eto'o turning down the opportunity to become England's highest-paid player, City officials have decided that they need a high profile managerial appointment to pursue their dream of joining Europe's elite."

More from Over The Bar

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Manchester United to play Rolf Harris Testimonial

Over The Bar understands that the news that Qantas has withheld payment of the settlement due to Harris’s widow touched a chord with Sir Alex Ferguson, who has long been a campaigner against injustice. The benevolent match, to be played in pre-season, will be against an all-star World XI.

More from Over The Bar

Monday, 8 June 2009

Ronaldo set for Real Madrid

Marks and Spencer were last night facing a monster $100 million legal claim by Manchester United for 'grossly negligent socks'. The 'exemplary action', said United lawyers, stemmed from an incident at approximately 9a.m. yesterday morning as winger Cristiano Ronaldo slid his right foot into a brown cotton/silk mix garment from the store's Bon Pied range.

More from Over The Bar

Tuesday, 2 June 2009 end of season awards

It doesn't really feel like a time for celebration but, despite Middlesbrough's relegation from the Premiership, it's business as usual at towers and this means it's time for our end of season awards.

As usual, our panel of writers, pundits and experts sat down to discuss the best and worst – but mainly the worst – the season had to offer.

What with this season being the most dispiriting one for over a decade, we've decided to add a few bonus categories this year too.

Read more here

Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Anti News - The Allyce Beasley Issue

"Congratulations too must go to Mike Ashley, Dennis Wise, Derek Llambias, Kevin Keegan, Joe Kinnear, Chris Hughton and Alan Shearer for presiding over one of the greatest clusterfucks in recent sporting history."

More from

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

The Peanut Butter Smack Issue

At the other end of the table, after losing 2-0 to Liverpool, West Bromwich Albion have been relegated. The Baggies play nice football and have a decent man in charge of the club but, sadly, they simply don't score enough goals and concede far too easily.

Sound familiar?

More from

Friday, 15 May 2009

King rages at expenses scandal

Tottenham Hotspur captain Ledley King has spoken out over the MP expenses scandal currently enveloping Westminster.

More from Over The Bar

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Fergie calms nervous nipper

"Sir Alex Ferguson yesterday comforted a young fan who had been having nightmares.

The United boss reassured the alarmed child that, were the Reds to sign French ace Frank Ribery and subsequently he and Carlos Tevez were to challenge for the same header, they would not stick together, as their skin only looks like that."

More from Over The Bar

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

The Hoopz Tape Issue

"It's that time of the year again. You know, the one when players like Mark Viduka wake from their season-long slumber to remind clubs with deep pockets that they exist."

More from

Carew in a stew

"Speaking angrily at a press conference at Villa Park, Carew lambasted a recent press photograph showing him blowing his nose, while shaking hands with a group of men in lab coats."

More from Over The Bar

Friday, 8 May 2009

Furious Drogba lashes Ricci ‘do

Over The Bar can exclusively reveal that Chelsea striker Didier Drogba had to be talked down by his colourist last night as he reacted furiously to the sight of Christina Ricci’s new bangs look.

More from Over The Bar

Thursday, 7 May 2009

New pronouncement from St Alan

"Hear me, for I am St Alan Shearer, a simple son of a sheet metal worker."

More from Over The Bar

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Suspended Barton visits V&A

Taking advantage of his recent suspension from Newcastle Football Club, Joey Barton was spotted this morning at the Victoria & Albert Museum in London.

More from Over The Bar

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Anti News - The Kryptos Issue

"Yeah, yeah, we all like a moan on the radio phone-ins and on the message boards. But what are you gonna do about it, eh?

Boro have scored the lowest number of goals of any professional team in the country, are suffering the worst away run in a century and are on the verge of being relegated without so much as a whimper.

And what are you gonna do about it? Nothing, that's what. You're gonna keep going to the games and keep cheering the team on, aren't you?"

More Boro news

Friday, 1 May 2009

Boro in swine flu shock

Middlesbrough’s relegation woes have deepened this week after respected football journal Heat revealed that swine flu could have infiltrated the club.

More football satire

Thursday, 30 April 2009

New pandemic threatens football

"Vets in the north-east of England have been accused of failing to act quickly enough to stem the pandemic of whine flu that threatens the world’s pigs."

More football satire

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

FA slams high-scoring games

"Premiership underachievers Liverpool have scored no fewer than 18 goals in four matches against the other sides in the top four in recent weeks, prompting suggestions that fans will ultimately lose interest in football in search of other high-scoring sports."

More football satire

Monday, 27 April 2009

Anti News - The You Might Be Rich Issue

"But even we can't quite believe that Ryan Giggs has received the PFA Player of the Year award. It's nice that the game is rewarding someone of practically pensionable age with a token prize but if awards were dished out every time a player managed four decent games a season, Boro would be chasing a Champions League place."

More from

Thursday, 23 April 2009

Extra Golden review up on PopMatters

After a spell away, I've started writing for PopMatters again.

Here's my review of Extra Golden's latest venture, Thank You Very Quickly.

Ian Eagleson wasn’t the first Western musician to trek to Africa, but he might be the Western musician who took his visit the most seriously. It was far from a mere jaunt aimed at adding a little extra musical flavor to his band Golden’s recordings. Eagleson traveled as part of his doctoral research into the music of East Africa. In 2000, while in Kenya for that research, he began documenting the popular, guitar-heavy form of dance music known as benga. While in Africa, he was assisted by Otieno Jagwasi and Onyango Wuod Omari, members of a Kenyan band called Orchestra Extra Solar Africa.

Click here to read the rest of the Extra Golden review

Villa accused of ‘gratuitous integrity’

"Spanish striker David Villa has been accused by fellow players of showing 'gratuitous integrity'."

More from Over The Bar

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Carew in a stew

John Carew today hit out at ‘wholly unfounded press gossip’ causing chaos and distress in his private life.

More from Over The Bar

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Showdown behind the sweetshop

"‘Puffball’ Benitez and ‘Sporran’ Ferguson finally had their big showdown behind Elsie Parkin’s sweetshop last night. It followed a frantic bout of name-calling and face-pulling at the annual LMA party."

More from Over The Bar

Anti News - The Kristen Dalton Issue

"As much as we'd like to take the piss out of Sir Alex Ferguson for fielding a weakened team, selecting the laziest possible Bulgarian oaf to take a penalty and then having the audacity to complain about the grass, Anti News has been pretending that the FA Cup doesn't exist ever since Cardiff beat Boro at home last season, so we can't."

More from

Gascoigne denies last minute Match of the Day 2 substitution

"England legend Paul Gascoigne has vigorously denied that a fit of last minute nerves caused him to pull out of Sunday’s Match of the Day 2 program and call in a favour from showbiz pal Max Headroom who sat in and performed a none too convincing Gazza impression."

More from Over The Bar

Friday, 17 April 2009

(Chav by) Association Football

"In a bold move, small teams with a middle-class catchment area are to refuse to play in the Johnstone’s Trophy, instead breaking away to form their own minnows knockout competition."

More from Over The Bar

Thursday, 16 April 2009

New tune to Premiership mind games

"A new single entitled ‘It’s Squeaky Bum Time’, scheduled for release next Monday, has been recorded by the unlikely duo of comedian Joe Pasquale and US rap sensation Akon and makes liberal use of Ferguson’s favourite phrase."

More from Over The Bar

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

Carew in a stew

"Speaking angrily at a press conference, Carew lambasted a recent press photograph showing him inside ex-President Jimmy Carter’s Peanut Farm in the American state of Georgia, apparently driving a tractor around the plantation."

More from Over The Bar

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Anti News - The Harry Kalas Issue

"Anti News can't help but think that if assaulting innocents on the streets of London is what King wanted to do, he'd have been better off becoming a member of the Metropolitan Police than a mediocre footballer."

More from

Computer blunder blamed for PFA shortlist error

The PFA have blamed a computer error for the accidental inclusion of Temitope Obadeyi in this season’s PFA Young Player of the Year shortlist.

More from Over The Bar

Benitez seeks mind games help

"Ahead of Liverpool’s vital Champions League clash with Chelsea tonight, Rafael Benitez has sought some unusual help with his on-going quest to master the mind game."

More from Over The Bar

Thursday, 9 April 2009

New classification system for bosses

"In a sensational move, Premiership football managers are to be given their own system of classification according to how scary they are."

More from Over The Bar

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Carew in a stew

"Speaking angrily at a press conference held at Villa Park, Carew lambasted a recent press photograph showing him outside Battersea Dog’s Home, apparently leading away a long-haired French poodle."

More from Over The Bar

When Life Gives You Lemons, Suplex Those Lemons

Gordon Dalton's new exhibition, When Life Gives You Lemons, Suplex Those Lemons, starts at the Keith Talent Gallery on 23rd April.

The press release sez, "When Life Gives You Lemons, Suplex Those Lemons uses wrestling terminology to quash life’s melancholic bitterness. Paintings from 2004, when the art world was booming, take a slapstick sideswipe at art critics and look even more adolescent and pathetic in retrospect. These are shown alongside one of Dalton’s off-kilter constructions, with a shark costume cartoonishly devouring somebody, perhaps the artist himself."

Art world waffle, obviously. But Gordon's work is incredibly witty and well worth venturing out to Tower Hamlets for.

Oh, and he stole the name from me.

Gordon Dalton's website

Keith Talent Gallery website

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Berbatov just one of the Vlads

"A journalist from the Manchester Evening News was reported to be in a “critical, but stable” condition last night after being viciously beaten by minders employed by Manchester Utd star, Dimitar Berbatov."

More from Over The Bar

Monday, 6 April 2009

Anti News - The Wrestlemania Issue

"In these credit crunched times, it's really nice to see employers doing all they can to avoid making redundancies. Anti News, then, would like to offer a great deal of praise to VfL Wolfsburg who, in a desperate attempt to avoid laying off the thirty people who make up their medical staff, are attempting to sign Robert Huth."

More from ComeOnBoro here

Friday, 3 April 2009

Dulux unveils new paint range

Dulux today unveiled their new Football Range – a palette of bold colours for the home, inspired by the Beautiful Game.

“We looked at our rivals Crown Paints’ former sponsorship of Liverpool and thought we’d like to do something a little bit different,” said Keith Mangel, Dulux Marketing Manager.

More from Over The Bar

Thursday, 2 April 2009

Football more important than first thought

It has long been an expression familiar to football fans – the saying: ‘I only know about ___________ because it has a football team’. It has finally been confirmed however, that there is actually good cause for people thinking that way.

More from Over The Bar

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Owen favourite to fill Shearer vacancy

“We’ve got a really tough job on our hands trying to replace Alan,” BBC executive Melvin Spooner told Over The Bar, “People think it’s a cushy job where the pundits just get paid to watch football matches and talk about them, but there’s a lot more to it than that.”

More from Over The Bar

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Terry pleads caution over new England image

"England captain John Terry has denied reports that England stars had been ordered to smoke Woodbines in order to complement their new retro image.

“It’s not true,” said Terry, interviewed in the dressing room after England’s victory over Slovakia, his forehead clearly showing the imprint of the laces on new retro matchball that Terry had headed just over the crossbar tape in the dying minutes."

More from Over The Bar

Anti News - The Sulk Issue

"Now, we all like to imagine that we can do better than our present lot.

Anti News really believes we should be writing daily football news for The Times and Jacqui Smith's husband really believes that he, not moustachioed photocopier repairmen in pornos, should be fucking lonely, nineteen-year-old housewives two at a time."

More from ComeOnBoro

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

King in fraud claim following England squad withdrawal

"Ledley King’s sudden withdrawal from the England camp has reopened debate about the health of the defender.

However, Fabio Capello and Harry Redknapp are not the only interested parties in the 28-year-old’s fitness; the Department for Work & Pensions have also taken an interest."

More from Over The Bar here

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Anti News - The Gazillionaire Issue

"Meanwhile, following defeat to a rejuvenated Spurs, Chelsea's title challenge looks deader than Jad... hang on, is it too soon for that sort of thing?"

More Anti News here

Friday, 20 March 2009

Hollywood beckons for Premiership stars

"In an effort to cut costs, Hollywood studios are hoping to entice aging Premiership players across the Atlantic and turn them into movie stars. It’s hoped that the move will provide 30-something footballers with an additional revenue and increase film profits as intrigued football fans flock to cinemas to see their idols on the big screen."

More from Over The Bar

Thursday, 19 March 2009

Disappointment at timing of Benitez deal

“The deal was signed exactly seven thousand two hundred and seventy-eight days after Hillsborough,” Liverpool Supporters’ Group spokesperson Bud Hope told Over The Bar, “We’re pleased that Rafa is staying in charge, but to make this announcement on this day is grossly insensitive.”

More from Over The Bar

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Alves suffers from 'rare alopecia'

"Having spent an intense period at The Riverside researching Massimo Maccarone’s dome, Dr Rocque Ocque has supplied Over The Bar with an exclusive research paper that proves that Afonso Alves is suffering from a rare type of alopecia which is impairing his ability to score goals. The full Latin name of the affliction is Kakkus Hairus Nono Celebratae."

More from OverTheBar here

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Mario responsible for Spurs surge

"Harry Redknapp has used his contacts at the Japanese videogame giant to revitalise Tottenham’s flagging season, making a two-hour spell on the Wii an obligatory part of all his players’ training sessions."


Monday, 16 March 2009

Anti News - The Trent Reznor Issue

"Peter Crouch scored a slow-motion first-half volley, which was equalised in the ninety-third minute via a chance that even one-time stolen car handler and occasional purveyor of the Soho Revue Bar, Marlon King couldn't miss."

More here

Thursday, 12 March 2009

Notion #38

The new issue of Notion is in the shops. I dunno, Borders and a few other stores, apparently.

Anyway, once again I wrote a piece in the videogame section. It's about Mega Man and it's kinda funny.

Monday, 9 March 2009

Anti News - The Billy Crudup's Giant Blue Penis Issue

Containing iffy gags about Gary O'Neil, Gareth Southgate and Brad Jones.

"I scored at Everton and played well at Aston Villa," O'Neil told the Evening Gazette, two decent performances and a goal proving an admirably honest crystallisation of his season's achievements to date.

Monday, 2 March 2009

Anti News - The Castle Issue

After a three-year absence, I've decided to start writing the Anti News column at again.

You can read my latest column - The Castle Issue - here

Monday, 23 February 2009

MF Doom changes his name...

... to DOOM (in all caps, natch).

And he's going to drop a new album with Lex in March called BORN LIKE THIS. Raekwon and Ghostface guest on a track each, and DOOM has nabbed a beat from J Dilla's Donuts.

Can't wait.

No chanting at the Riverside please

Have you ever, in all your life, read anything this daft?

Friday, 13 February 2009

The Kiss of a Lifetime

Starting tomorrow evening - just after Boro have lost to West Ham, in fact - is The Kiss of a Lifetime art show at the Rogue Artists Studio in Manchester

My pal Gordon Dalton is exhibiting some work, which you really ought to check out. Other artists displaying their wares include... David Shrigley, Mark Applegate, Paul Stanley, John Walsh, Naomi Kashiwagi, Jason Minsky... well... the press release lists about another ninety others and I'm not gonna list them all.

It runs until 28th February, so plenty of time to check it all out.

For more info, click here

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Friday, 6 February 2009

Oo De Lally translated

Waxy have tracked down 13 localised versions of the Oo De Lally song from Disney's Robin Hood.

Here's the English original, click here to access the rest. The Russian one is my fave, I think.

Friday, 30 January 2009

The Guardian's Chalkboards

The Guardian's football section continues to assert its position as the most addictive place on the interwebz.

They've launched this chalkboard dealie that lets you draw diagrams to prove, amongst other things, that Lee Dong Gook is twice as good a player as Afonso Alves.

Now if they could just get rid of wastes of space like Dicky Williams and Kevin McCarra...


2009: The year of civil disorder in Britain?

Strikes have broken out across Britain and it feels to me like this might be the start of a larger civil disorder movement across the country. Depressions breed anger, resentment and racism, and the comments from some of the striking workers on the BBC news this morning sound like we could be close to something quite dangerous.

"Workers walked off the site at the Lindsey oil refinery on Wednesday after weeks of discontent over the contract to build the plant's HDS-3 de-sulphurisation unit. The plant's owners put the contract out to tender with five UK firms and two European contractors bidding for the work. It was awarded to the Italian company Irem on the basis that it was supplying its own permanent workforce and not using locally employed contractors."

What I don't understand is that - assuming the bids were won fair and square - with the GBP-EUR rate as it is, how a British firm would fail to win this tender. It's the British firms who put this unsuccessful tenders together who have harmed their British workers, not the Italians.


Mickey Rourke not wrestling after all....

Loadsa places had reported that, following his role in The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke was going to wrestle Chris Jericho at this year's Wrestlemania.

Well, he's not. So there.


Friday, 23 January 2009

Silver Jews call it a day?

Pitchfork have picked up on a post written on the Drag City messageboard, which suggests that Dave Berman might have retired from music.

The post, entitled Silver Jews End-Lead Singer Bids his Well-Wishers Adieu, was written by DCB and reads....

"Hello, my friend.

Cassie and I went to the cave and it looks great. 58 degrees but the humidity makes it feel like 72.

I'm just going to play fifteen songs. My fifteen favorite ones.

A dollar per song. Plus Arnett Hollow. I don't

want to keep you underground for too long. Fall Creek Falls State Park State Lodge is great by the way.

Yes I cancelled the South American shows. I'll have to see the ABC Countries another way.

I guess I am moving over to another category. Screenwriting or Muckraking.

I've got to move on. Can't be like all the careerists doncha know.

I'm forty two and I know what to do.

I'm a writer, see?

Cassie is taking it the hardest. She's a fan and a player but she sees how happy i am with the decision.

I always said we would stop before we got bad. If I continue to record I might accidentally write the answer song to Shiny Happy People.

What, you thought I was going to hang on to the bitter end like Marybeth Hamilton?

love david"

If it's a hoax, the writer has gone Dave's caustic wit down pat. If it's not a hoax, I'm absolutely gutted.

Link to Pitchfork, link to the original post

Thursday, 22 January 2009

PopMatters: Slipped Discs 2008 - Part 2

From Katzenjammer to Xiu Xiu... Gotta say, I don't agree with some of these choices at all. Acid Tongue was a pretty poor offering from Jenny Lewis, and Cyndi Lauper... really? Nice to see someone else dug Lookout Mountain, Lookout Sea though.

This will take you to the feature, scroll down to get to the bit I wrote about Laura Marling's album.

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Sale at The Royal Standard

If you're in Liverpool tomorrow and fancy buying some cut-price art, you could do a lot worse than pop down to The Royal Standard.

The press release sez:




Stocking a wide range of artists including Jo Addison, Michael Aitkin, Sergio Allevato, Craig Atkinson, Ayling & Conroy, Helen Barff, Russell Beighton, Sovay Berriman, David Blandy, Andrew Bracey Shane Bradford, Milo Brennan, Mike Carney, Rebecca Chesney, Emma Churchill, Samantha Clark, Rhys Coren, Michael Cousin, Martyn Cross, Gordon Culshaw, Fiona Curran, Gordon Dalton, Claire Davison, Craig Fisher, James Robert Ford, Stephen Forge, Anton Goldenstein, Adam Goodge, Paddy Gould, Lesley Halliwell, Sean Hawkridge, Aaron Head, Neil Hedger, Toby Huddlestone, Andrew Lim, Hilary Jack, Hannah James, Brendan Jamison, Julie Jones, David Kefford, Harry Lawson, Simon Liddiment, Katherine Lloyd, Hayley Lock, Philip Marsden, Susan Massey, Nicki McCubbing, Hamish McLain, Suzanne Mooney, John O’Hare, Bernadette O’Toole, Anne Parkinson, Kate Parrott, Laurence Payot, LOWPROFILE, Dan Perjovschi, Chris Poolman, Richard Proffitt, Sam Rees, Laura Robertson, Liz Rowe, Stephen Sharp, Gabriel Stones, David Thomas, Sam Venables, Hannah Waldron, Nick White, Rachel Wilberforce, Jeremy Willett, Nick Williams and many, many more.*


The grand store opening is tomorrow from 4pm til 9pm, and the sale continues until Saturday 28th February.


PopMatters: Slipped Discs 2008

PopMatters have just published part one of their selection of 2008's Slipped Discs - "40 great albums that didn't quite make our year-end list in 2008, but our writers thought belonged there."

My contribution to the list is Scarlett Johannson's ridiculous ridiculed Anywhere I Lay My Head, but it's good to see Damien Jurado getting some love too.

Part two will be published tomorrow.

Here to go to the feature, or here to go straight to my bit about Scarlett.

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Monday, 19 January 2009

Justice review up on PopMatters

PopMatters have published my review of Justice's A Cross The Universe.

"This approach might sound poorly equipped to handle the seismic force of Justice’s arena-filling sound, but “We Are Your Friends” still, two years on from its release, serves as a gleeful and giddy call and response. The crowd’s absolutely apeshit response when the first beat of ‘Genesis’ drops, when ‘Phantom’ first rears its head, and when ‘D.A.N.C.E.’ first emerges eight minutes later, only serves to ramp up the excitement and bombast of each track."

Read the rest here

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Two dyslexics walk into a bra...

... only they don't because dyslexia doesn't exist, apparently.

According to Labour MP Graham Stringer, dyslexia is a "cruel fiction", and "The sooner it is consigned to the same dustbin of history, the better."

Obviously that kinda ignores the fact the studies of brain activity prove that dyslexics process information differently to non-dyslexics. But, hey, if he wants to show himself up as fit to the join the ranks of Labour party incompetants, then who am I to argue?

Monday, 12 January 2009

The Wire's abandoned soundstage

This could be McNulty's old desk, or maybe it's Bunk's...

I'm not sure, but I do know that this gallery of HBO's abandoned soundstage is heartbreaking.


Friday, 9 January 2009

Gaming moments of 2008 with MS Paint

Some dudes over on NeoGAF are using MS Paint to recreate their favourite gaming moments of 2008.

This Left 4 Dead pic is my favourite, but there's some stunning recreations of Mirror's Edge, Final Fantasy XII, Mega Man 9 and other running across the entire thread.

Spider-Man vs Obama

I suppose it had to happen, didn't it?

President-elect Barack Obama teams up with Spider-Man in issue 583 of The Amazing Spider-Man to bring down The Chameleon.

Great stuff, I suppose, but wouldn't Obama be better off doing something useful like, y'know, making public comment on the situation in Gaza?


Thursday, 8 January 2009

Cristiano prangs his Ferrari

It's just too easy to imagine that Ronaldo's car was gently nudged by a Fiat Punto, causing his Ferrari to flip over and roll ten times, then spin on the spot for two or three minutes.

Poor lad. At least Edwin van der Sar was able to give him a lift in his Bentley.

Monday, 5 January 2009

Real life Far Side

Far Side Reenactments is a Flickr group that remakes some of Gary Larson's classic cartoons.