Anti News - The Allyce Beasley Issue

"Congratulations too must go to Mike Ashley, Dennis Wise, Derek Llambias, Kevin Keegan, Joe Kinnear, Chris Hughton and Alan Shearer for presiding over one of the greatest clusterfucks in recent sporting history."

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The Peanut Butter Smack Issue

At the other end of the table, after losing 2-0 to Liverpool, West Bromwich Albion have been relegated. The Baggies play nice football and have a decent man in charge of the club but, sadly, they simply don't score enough goals and concede far too easily.

Sound familiar?

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King rages at expenses scandal

Tottenham Hotspur captain Ledley King has spoken out over the MP expenses scandal currently enveloping Westminster.

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Fergie calms nervous nipper

"Sir Alex Ferguson yesterday comforted a young fan who had been having nightmares.

The United boss reassured the alarmed child that, were the Reds to sign French ace Frank Ribery and subsequently he and Carlos Tevez were to challenge for the same header, they would not stick together, as their skin only looks like that."

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The Hoopz Tape Issue

"It's that time of the year again. You know, the one when players like Mark Viduka wake from their season-long slumber to remind clubs with deep pockets that they exist."

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Carew in a stew

"Speaking angrily at a press conference at Villa Park, Carew lambasted a recent press photograph showing him blowing his nose, while shaking hands with a group of men in lab coats."

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Furious Drogba lashes Ricci ‘do

Over The Bar can exclusively reveal that Chelsea striker Didier Drogba had to be talked down by his colourist last night as he reacted furiously to the sight of Christina Ricci’s new bangs look.

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New pronouncement from St Alan

"Hear me, for I am St Alan Shearer, a simple son of a sheet metal worker."

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Suspended Barton visits V&A

Taking advantage of his recent suspension from Newcastle Football Club, Joey Barton was spotted this morning at the Victoria & Albert Museum in London.

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Anti News - The Kryptos Issue

"Yeah, yeah, we all like a moan on the radio phone-ins and on the message boards. But what are you gonna do about it, eh?

Boro have scored the lowest number of goals of any professional team in the country, are suffering the worst away run in a century and are on the verge of being relegated without so much as a whimper.

And what are you gonna do about it? Nothing, that's what. You're gonna keep going to the games and keep cheering the team on, aren't you?"

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Boro in swine flu shock

Middlesbrough’s relegation woes have deepened this week after respected football journal Heat revealed that swine flu could have infiltrated the club.

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