Film Review: Curse Of The Golden Flower

In case you’d ever wondered what Hero, House of Flying Daggers or Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon would be like without the amazing wirework fight scenes, Curse of the Golden Flower gives you the answer: they would all be rubbish.

Typically for a film directed by Zhang Yimou, the plot is preposterous. Emperor Ping (Chun Yun Fat) is slowly poisoning his consort, Empress Phoenix (played magnificently by Gong Li) because she has been shacking up with her stepson, Crown Prince Wan, who, in turn, is about to elope with the imperial doctor’s daughter. Meanwhile, the Emperor’s two other sons are both indulged in coups and putsches. Yes, it’s the Tang Dynasty version of, well, Dynasty.

But I’d forgive the shitty plot and the disgustingly gaudy sets and costumes if there was just one decent fight scene in the entire movie. Sadly, there isn’t. In fact, aside from multiple slow-mo shots of cups of tea being thrown through the air, and one brief swordfight between the Emperor and pussy mummy’s boy Prince Jai, there is no action to speak of in the entire first hour. My hopes were resurrected by the introduction of the Emperor’s ninja wraiths, but even they do nothing good besides shriek a bit before they get offed.

The plot about incest, revenge and suicide is transparent, and there are far better movies to watch if you want to see loads of Chinese dudes wailing on each other. In fact, the only reason to see this slow, pointless and not faintly ridiculous movie is for Gong Li’s exceptionally impressive cleavage.