Reading vs Middlesbrough: Tale of the Tape

"Skippy fancied a Christmas down under and conveniently broke his thumb in training this week, ruling him out until the New Year. It's not that we don't believe that he's really injured but let's just say we'll be peaking through his curtains on Christmas Day to see if he manages to carve the turkey.

Speaking of turkies.no, not really. Turnbull looks a decent keeper but we're marking him down for not reciprocating any of the pokes we've given him on Facebook."

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Berkshizzle vs. Middlesbizzle

The latest in the series of Bigg Match Previzzles has been published.

"Game done changed on the field, yo. My nigga Gareth Southgizzle is fiendin’ yo, and his team, like my bitchez, ain’t shit. But, big Snoop just heard that my Latino nigga, Julio Arca, is back. Dat be some good news, because that Puerto Rican motherfucker is fresh like a mink coat and aligator shoes."

I can't get enough of this column.

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World's fastest clapper

Boro linked with Ameobi - What Do You Think?

Even the names are works of art this time. Red Eye just gets better and better.

As for Ameobi.... really, Gareth? Really?

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Disneyland sign generator

Make your own Disneyland sign here.

Fun for five minutes but makes me miss the sadly-departed sign.

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Middlesbrough vs Aston Villa: Tale of the Tape

"Looky looky, Boro have recalled Watford's Man of the Match Adam Johnson and...what's this.Mr Gareth will whack him straight on the right-wing?

Now, since we got banned from the Riverside dressing room for peaking up James Morrison's shorts, TotT has no real way of knowing whether Gareth's teamsheet will look like this.

We do know that despite receiving some shoddy treatment from a few Boro fans, Stewart Downing ain't getting dropped and Gary O'Neil might just be the man to drive Boro forward from central-midfield.

Like Adam Johnson, Stilian Petrov, despite kicking ass in a weak league, has actually done nothing of note in the Premiership, which TotT takes as a sure sign Southgate will attempt to sign him in January."

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Middlesbizzle vs. Aston Vizzle

'Snoop Dogg' has published another Bigg Match Previzzle.

"Gareth'll have his flyest blue Donna Karan suit on to show his love for the Crips, and I just know that my dogg is gonna hand Adam Johnson a starter's jersey. Shorty will run buck wild on Martin O'Nizzle's motherfuckers, Southgizzle just gotta give his young ass a chance to hustle."

This stuff is pretty hilarious.

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Unsubscribe Me

As part of Amnesty International's Unsubscribe Me campaign they've released an incredibly moving and disturbing video reenacting the CIA-approved 'stress position'.

In order to make the video, the directors put the actor into a stress position for six hours - the pain and anguish are real.

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Real sign at Walt Disney World

The Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor at Disney World lets you text in jokes that will be used during the show.

Apparently that requires this inane disclaimer.

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Academy player trial begins - What Do You Think?

The panel focus on the trial of academy player Lewis Walker this week.

Not a vintage week, but some pretty good stuff, as ever.

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Video game-themed half time show

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Captain Awareness

Ethan Persoff archives "comics with problems."

Captain Awareness is my favourite.

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Psycho Potato

Gibson considered German boss - What Do You Think?

Donette Craig brings teh funny this week.

Who was it though? Ottmar Hitzfeld is my guess.

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Nadshot!

Nadshot is a blog devoted to compiling comic book panels of punches and kicks to the cock.

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Mafia ten commandments

When Italian police searched the house of Mafia boss Salvatore Lo Piccolo, they discovered the Mafia's ten commandments.

1. No-one can present himself directly to another of our friends. There must be a third person to do it.

2. Never look at the wives of friends.

3. Never be seen with cops.

4. Don’t go to pubs and clubs.

5. Always being available for Cosa Nostra is a duty - even if your wife’s about to give birth.

6. Appointments must absolutely be respected.

7. Wives must be treated with respect.

8. When asked for any information, the answer must be the truth.

9. Money cannot be appropriated if it belongs to others or to other families.

10. People who can’t be part of Cosa Nostra: anyone who has a close relative in the police, anyone with a two-timing relative in the family, anyone who behaves badly and doesn’t hold to moral values.

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Go Jeff!

Bolton Wanderers vs Middlesbrough: Tale of the Tape

"Since being banned from driving, Taylor has being staying over at his mate Lee Cattermole's house because it's closer to the training ground. This makes them the Bert and Ernie of Boro.

Except they don't share a bed. Obviously.

Despite being a grown man, Ricardo Gardner descends into fits of girlish giggles whenever he plays with a Tickle Me Elmo."

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Da Bigg Match Previzzle

Someone (I couldn't possibly say who) has published a preview of Middlesbrough's match with Bolton in the style of Snoop Dogg.

"The Rolly on my arm tells me it’s time for Mizzlebizzle to score some motherfucking goals and that my nigga Southgate’ll be sipping 40s and popping Chandon on Saturday night."

It made me giggle, fo sho'.

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South Korea ban Dong Gook - What Do You Think?

Following the unlikely news that Lee Dong Gook has been banned from the South Korea national team after a boozy night in a hostess bar, the Boro Six give their verdict.

A killer week for Red Eye's panel.

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Jeff Winter show

I'm going to be on the Jeff Winter Football Phone In tonight around 6:00pm to talk about Boro's home game against Spurs, the transfer window and the general mire that Boro currently find themselves in.

Jeff's show starts at 5:30pm and runs until 7pm. If you're on Teesside, you can pick it up at 96.6FM, or you can listen via the TFM website or on DAB digital.

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Middlesbrough vs Tottenham Hotspur: Tale of the Tape

"Animal lover Dawson dreads firework night. Three years ago some horrible oiks strapped a bottle rocket to the back of his beloved European Shorthair cat, Pickles, and last year his pet badger, Felix, crawled into his neighbour's bonfire and was duly incinerated.

The only animals David Wheater likes are the ones on his plate."

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Film Review: 30 Days Of Night

After the shitfests that were Underworld, Rise, Nightwatch and Van Helsing, there's clearly room for a decent vampire movie, and as an adaptation of an enjoyable comic book series, with a promising trailer, production by Sam Raimi and direction by David Slade, I had high hopes for 30 Days Of Night.

The premise is, after all, quite interesting. In Barrow, Alaska the sun doesn't rise or set for 30 days, an annual occurrence that causes most of the population to head elsewhere for a month. The 152 people who remain clearly don't fear Seasonal Adjustment Disorder, but they soon end up fearing the horde of vampires who descend upon the town.

Okay, so the whole thing is a rip-off of a 1994 episode of Tales From The Crypt, but that wouldn't really matter if the entire picture weren't riddled with ridiculous flaws. Early on, we're introduced to The Stranger (played by Ben Foster), who paves the way for the vampires' arrival by burning the town's mobile phones, destroying a helicopter motor and slaughtering sled dogs. "Oh God, now the population are totally trapped and have no way of communicating with the outside world," you might think. But, just minutes later, Josh Hartnett's character, local Sherriff Eben Oleson, takes a call on his Nokia from Melissa George (Fire Marshall and Eben's estranged wife, Stella), while driving his fucking car.

Upon apprehending The Stranger, Eben assumes that the trouble is over, neglecting to mention to anyone that in the first scene of the movie that there's a bloody great ghost ship parked on the outskirts of town. And so, with The Stranger warning, "they're coming," the vampires begin killing off the locals. First to go is the old bloke who runs the power plant, swiftly followed by a utility worker and Eben's pot-smoking Grandmother, who was presumably too stoned to escape the same way that Eben's brother Jake did.

It's at this point when the film's solitary outstanding moment occurs, a two-minute sweeping overhead shot that presents the carnage in the town, as the vampires soak the snow with the townsfolk's blood. As the scene ends, we're left with the gang who'll accompany us through the rest of the film: Eben, Stella, Jake, grizzled loner Beau and some other chumps. Can they last out the month before the vampires are forced to leave by the rising sun?

Just as you ask yourself that question, we skip forward to day seven. We know this because Hartnett now has a little bit of bumfluff and also it says day 7 on the screen. Presumably the urge eat, piss and shit has totally passed by day seven and our motley crew behave as if living in a tiny attic for a week is nothing out of the ordinary.

By day 15, our survivors decide that visiting the grocery store and getting something to eat mightn't be a bad idea, and it's in the store that the film's boldest moment occurs, with the introduction of a little girl vampire. The previously cowardly Jake lops her head off in no short order, which is a shame, because judging by her Einsturzende Neubauten tattoo, she was a cool little motherfucker.

Again, despite being under no obvious threat, the characters decide to dart about town in the most idiotic of manners. Special mention of this lunacy must go to Deputy Sheriff Billy, who, fearing that his wife and two children would be slain by the vampires, decides to shoot them. He turns the pistol on himself, only for the gun to jam. Does he hang himself? Does he slash his wrists? Drown himself? No. He waits 27 days, and then makes contact with Hartnett and the others to reveal his secret. Which is probably why he never made Sheriff.

Then, as the film lurches to its obvious conclusion, and perhaps aware that it has managed to build absolutely no palpable tension throughout, it descends into a morass of gore. Finally, with about fifteen minutes to go until the sun rises and having survived for 29 days, Hartnett decides that the wisest thing to do would be to inject himself with some vampire blood, turn himself into a vampire and go and fight them.

Hartnett is his usual charisma vacuum and David Slade is never able to convey the same sense of unease that he did with Hard Candy, but 30 Days Of Night’s biggest problem is its vampires. Unable to do anything other than scream and wail, these are Bela Lugosi's primitive, backward, country cousins, lacking any guile, artifice, or even the urge to wipe the freeze-dried blood from their ugly faces.